Lonely?

I am lonely.

Unbelievably.

I have a husband, whom I love, who understands me when I don't understand myself. We are best of friends.

I need a girl friend. I need a friend I can call no matter what and say no matter what and they are still there.

I realize I'm brash, I drive a lot of people away because deep down, I'm so concerned about what people think of me that I appear standoffish. I'm not that likeable. I really understand all these things, and I'm okay with it. I have never had many friends and I don't really know that I ever even had close friends. In Elementary school, I had one friend from Kindergarten to 8th grade. 1. And then I made her mad and was left to drift between 8th and 9th grade.

In 9th grade, Salina McCord saved my life. She invited me to her 14th bday party and I met her friends from elementary school and they became my friend by association. In college, I was friends with my roommates, until I ruined that and pretty much spent the last half of my senior year without anyone. Then I met Marty and we had mutual friends and then we moved to Adamsville.

Now don't get me wrong I still talk and occasionally hang out with my friends from high school. But a lot of times when I call just to talk, it just doesn't feel right. I feel ridiculous for having the problems I have or that they are not really interested. I feel just not good enough.

So maybe this is all just my fault.

But in Adamsville, I have never felt more alone.

I have never felt like I fit in, I don't fit the mold. And lord how I've tried.

But instead of accepted, my husband and I are talked about, run down like dogs. Why? Because we love youth, because we can't please everyone, because we hold people to a standard, because we're different.

In 8 years I have gone out to lunch with 1 person, we have been invited to 3 families house for dinner, it took 6 months for anyone to even ask us to eat lunch with them, not pay for us, just sit at the same table.

So what did we do we made friends with the only ones who would accept us: our youth.

And that is a problem that I will addressed later.

Mediocrity, schmediocrity

So all of my life I have been pretty mediocre.

I was a pretty cute kid, then 2nd grade something went horribly wrong. Not scarily ugly, but nothing special to look at.

I was a pretty good student but definitely not the best.

I was a pretty accepted person, not in the upper echelon but not swimming with the plebes either. I was in a sorority in high school, probably why I wasn't in one in college.

I'm a decent wife and mother, certainly not Susie Homemaker but not one of those people on Oprah either.

Even as a fattie, I'm not the best. Obviously not skinny, but not fat enough to get my own t.v. show either. Sigh, it was my one chance for fame.

I say all that to say this, most of the time I'm quite content in my mediocrity but jealousy occasionally rears its ugly head. Then I think, I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm a college graduate for crying out loud, I should be DOING something. I see people I graduated with working, making a difference in the world and I wonder if I went down the wrong path. Is being a wife, mother, and constant student ministry volunteer enough?

Then I see my children, flesh of my flesh, excited about going to church, learning about Jesus. Just today Isaac started singing a new song, "I Will Rise,"by Chris Tomlin. Now I know he has no clue what it means but at 2 he is singing praises to our King, and that is when I see success. Annaliese pays attention to everything, she watches Isaac as he learns to say his prayers, she folds her hands and bows her head and I know that one day she too will be saying those same sweet prayers and this is when I see success.

So, I know, as cheesy as it sounds, for now I am where I am supposed to be. I am called first to be a wife and mother and then to be a worker. I look to the Proverbs 31 woman as my example. While I may not consider a field and buy it, I do buy clothes on sale and then sell them in consignment sales. I may not harvest my own food, but I do use sales and coupons to further my dollar (I saved $63 last trip). This is my job for the time being, someday I may go back into the workforce, but for the time being I know the sacrifices we are making are worth it in the long run.

Finally, I feel successful in my mediocrity.

Changes

Today Albert Mohler, the President of Southern Seminary in Louisville (who some Baptists liken to the Pope), made the statement that unless the Southern Baptist Convention makes some changes it will die. For the first time in a long time I agree with Dr. Mohler. I don't care for Mohler because he did away with the Social Work program at Southern stating that Social Work isn't ministry, for this statement I say he is an idiot. But that's another topic for another day. Today it is the SBC and changes I think should be made. Note: this is not a diss to my church or the staff of my church, of which my wonderful hubby is one. FBCA is a wonderful church full of many who are living their faith.

1. I think we on the whole need to get out of our rut. Hello, it is not 1950. Alot of churches run like it still is. We are not in the world, as we are called to be. We are very separate. We don't show the world that our gospel is relevant. The message doesn't need to be changed, we may need to change the way we present it. Yes, people should come to church and hear the word no matter the style of worship or how hot/cold/uncomfortable it is, but the fact of the matter is they don't.

2. As a convention we have switched to a focus on church planting. This is a good thing yes, but we don't need churches if we don't have people to go in them. I think the focus should be relational ministry, meeting folks where they are, then getting them involved in church. Seems like we're trying to get the cart before the horse.

3. We major on the minors. 2 or 3 years ago there was a write up in the Baptist and Reflector about the Tennessee Baptist Convention. The article was the whole front page. It's focus, not reaching the lost (that did get about 2 sentences), alcohol. Whether or not you can drink and be a baptist. That is another blog post for another day. The point is the focus of our faith is to reach others for Christ, not to legislate morality. Jesus didn't say much about drinking, but his last words, so probably pretty important right, were "Go and preach the gospel." So instead of focusing on that, we were talking about alcohol. Don't even get me started on this year's witch hunt on Mark Driscoll (not a SB, therefore not our business in my opinion)

4. This is the most important. We need members who are truly members. Being a baptist does not save you, being a Christian however does. Notice I said being, not saying you are. Being implies doing something, not sitting on the pew. I think overall as the SBC we have forgotten to LOVE. A lot of the time we seem to hate the sin and the sinner, and that is not what we're supposed to be. Jesus said his greatest commandment is to Love God, and Love people (paraphrased). We have forgotten that I think. If we are truly loving God and loving his people we are doing what we're supposed to, but I don't see that in some Baptist churches. We are so focused inward instead of shining the light outward.

I don't know if any of this has made sense. Maybe this answered your question Frank.

I admit

Ok, I admit it, I'm a screamer.

I so didn't want to be. In my mind's eye I have all the patience of all the saints, but in reality I scream.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't scream insults, I don't call my children names. But it seems sometimes that I can't get their attention without speaking at a very loud volume. I don't know where I get this, my mother didn't scream at me. Dad really didn't either. He would get angry easily, but I don't really remember him hollering (as we would say in the south.)

I always regret it.

I don't mean to do it. Most of the time I just don't realize it until I've said, "ISAAC SOREN, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!"

And then, when he gets angry he screams, and I cringe, realizing I have created this monster. And I vow in that moment never to scream again. Oh how many times I've failed. Maybe I should put myself in the corner.

Phat or size 12 is plus sized (What?)

I hate that word.

Ghettofabulous as it is, and I do love the ghettofabulous, I hate that word.

I suppose people were trying to make fat, more acceptable by making it "pretty hot and tempting," but I find it demeaning and inflammatory. Because, of course, if you hear the word you think, fat, but then they say "No, it's a compliment!" Whatever, if you wanna call me fat, be a man use the real word. I'm the one who has to deal with the side effects, you should be man enough to say what you mean.

I was reading an article in people magazine about a model who at one point was anorexic to be accepted in that world, but now she is happy in her plus size self as a size 12. Heeeelllllloooo! 12 is the average size for women in today's society. For most women this would be a really healthy weight, but we have put such constraints on ourself that we feel bad for being healthy.

I know that I am at a point in my life that my current weight is not healthy, which is why I'm doing something about that. Marty gets all ill about the fact that I'm not happy with the way I am, he doesn't understand that I would just like to be around to see my children grow up. I also don't want to be wheezing at the end of a 1 mile walk, I want to be able to run it. It's not about the weight or the size of my clothes, but about being healthy. But I also know that I shop at plus sized stores and a size 12 is not in them.

I am so thankful for a God that looks not at my outward appearance to judge me but the condition of my heart. I am trying daily to follow Him, and I know getting in better shape will do that. It has already begun to affect every area of my life in such a way that I cannot see me ever stopping voluntarily. I want to set a positive example for my children in this area, I know what it's like to grow up the fat girl, and I don't want that for Annaliese. Kids are cruel, and I don't want her to know the pain I knew for something that she can avoid. Not that I would love her any less or think her any less beautiful, and she will grow to be a beauty, that cannot be denied. I pray daily that she has the confidence going into life that I have never had.

Sorry for the double dose of fat, it seems to be more consuming than I thought.

FAT

So the other part of my blog name is the topic for today's discussion.

FAT. Three letters soooo many emotions.

As a child and teenager I let this word define so much about me. I let it make me feel as if I were less of a person because this word could describe me. Any time it was mentioned I cringed, even if the verbal barb was not aimed in my direction. I hid behind my fat, let it be my excuse for not having very many friends and wearing clothes that did not look good on me. I let my true self be buried under the pounds and put on a fake self who just tried desperately to keep my few friends because surely I wasn't worthy of them because I was (am) fat. To top it off, I had horrible acne. I was not a pretty girl.

Then one day, I determined that I wasn't going to let this word define me any more. It might still describe me but I would no longer let people take aim at me with it, I would wear this word with pride (okay, maybe not pride but not utter shame either). What, you ask, made me come to this conclusion. I will tell you. Camryn Manheim, star of tv's the practice, won an emmy in the late 90's, and she stood on that stage with her award held high and yelled, "This one's for the fat girls." I promise you, I have never been more proud, nor have I cried more for someone I didn't even know. So I googled her, or some late 90's equivalent, and discovered that she was writing a book. "Wake up, I'm fat!" was about her struggle with this word and being an overweight actress. This book, I tell you, changed my life.

I had already determined that fat was something I would always be, I should just get used to it. Weight is something I had struggled with since about the age of 3. I was a chubby child, a portly elementary schooler, and a fat pre-adolescent. At 15 I went on a drastic diet, slim fast, and excercised at least 5 days a week. For all this work I got down to a size 16 and that was as far as I could go. Of course my mother wouldn't let me take Phen-fen so that was it. I was stuck. So I'm always gonna be fat. And I'm ok with it. Fat is a regular part of my vocabulary now, whereas before, I wouldn't use it to describe anything, pigs, cows, or other people. Now I know a word is a word and that is all.

You may wonder why I'm fat. Well, simply, I like to eat and don't like to exercise. Which I am doing now, my husband and I take our babies for a mile walk every morning (babies in the stroller of course). I would lke to be slim enough to buy old navy clothes in the store and not online,but my main goal is to just be healthier. I also have poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Which there is some debate as to whether women are fat because they have PCOS or if they have PCOS because they are fat. It's an endocrine disorder that wreaks all sorts of havoc to your body.

I'm sure I'll post more on this topic, but now baby girl is having trouble sleeping. Cutting molars is not fun, and we're at memaw and pepaw's (in-law's) house so routine has been thrown out the window. My dear hubby has run to wal-mart for tylenol and benadryl, pain and a runny nose are killer!

Getting Started

So this is my first time.

I admit it, I'm a virgin blogger.

Not sure I'm gonna tell anyone about this, just needed a place to vent, share frustrations, leave messages for my kids, make sure I'm not forgotten.

I used to journal when I was in high school, really enjoyed it, carried it with me everywhere. It's how I would spend my free time in school, if I wasn't reading. All my hopes, dreams, fears, failures, and few successes were displayed on those pages. Now, couldn't tell you where they were.

So, from the title of my blog, you all have assumed correctly that I am a mother. I have two beautiful children, Isaac, 28 months, and Annaliese, 14 months. Didn't plan it that way, but definitely wouldn't change it now. They are everything I could have ever wanted, and oh, how I wanted them. Isaac is blond and beautiful, he has eyelashes for days and is a little charmer. He loves music, especially drums and loves to sing! He certainly takes after his father. Annaliese is my strong willed princess. She is soooo pretty, if I hadn't been there when she was born, I would doubt she was mine. She knows what she wants and will let you know if she's not happy. She generally has a good disposition though. At two months old she was hospitalized for Pertussis (whooping cough), and would cough so hard she would vomit. Then she would look at me and grin her beautiful smile, it truly was heartbreaking.

We live, along with my dear husband, Marty, in Adamsville, TN. Don't be surprised if you've never heard of it, most people haven't, especially if you're under 50 and have no clue who Buford Pusser is (Google him, would take too long to explain here). Some days I love it, town of less than 2000, very friendly, great for kids and others I hate it. Didn't grow up in a very big town, but at least there was a Wal-mart! Marty is the Children's/Youth Pastor at the local Baptist church and I stay at home with my babies. It's working out pretty well, so far. We've been here 7 years and feel at home.

I guess I want this blog to just be a memory keeper for my children. I have journals that I've started for them but have found it difficult to keep up with them. Their poor baby books have been neglected too! I wanted so much to do it right. With the scrapbooks and baby books and journals and picture albums. I haven't printed pictures other than Christmas and Birthday cards since Annaliese was born. Isaac's scrapbook has been put on hold at 6 months and Annaliese hasn't even got one started yet. I am so not what I wanted to be! But I guess that's because we're so busy living that I just haven't taken the time to put it all down- or at least that's what I tell my self.

Signing off for now, have to upload some of the pics I'll never print to Facebook so my family can see them.