Lonely?

I am lonely.

Unbelievably.

I have a husband, whom I love, who understands me when I don't understand myself. We are best of friends.

I need a girl friend. I need a friend I can call no matter what and say no matter what and they are still there.

I realize I'm brash, I drive a lot of people away because deep down, I'm so concerned about what people think of me that I appear standoffish. I'm not that likeable. I really understand all these things, and I'm okay with it. I have never had many friends and I don't really know that I ever even had close friends. In Elementary school, I had one friend from Kindergarten to 8th grade. 1. And then I made her mad and was left to drift between 8th and 9th grade.

In 9th grade, Salina McCord saved my life. She invited me to her 14th bday party and I met her friends from elementary school and they became my friend by association. In college, I was friends with my roommates, until I ruined that and pretty much spent the last half of my senior year without anyone. Then I met Marty and we had mutual friends and then we moved to Adamsville.

Now don't get me wrong I still talk and occasionally hang out with my friends from high school. But a lot of times when I call just to talk, it just doesn't feel right. I feel ridiculous for having the problems I have or that they are not really interested. I feel just not good enough.

So maybe this is all just my fault.

But in Adamsville, I have never felt more alone.

I have never felt like I fit in, I don't fit the mold. And lord how I've tried.

But instead of accepted, my husband and I are talked about, run down like dogs. Why? Because we love youth, because we can't please everyone, because we hold people to a standard, because we're different.

In 8 years I have gone out to lunch with 1 person, we have been invited to 3 families house for dinner, it took 6 months for anyone to even ask us to eat lunch with them, not pay for us, just sit at the same table.

So what did we do we made friends with the only ones who would accept us: our youth.

And that is a problem that I will addressed later.